In my post ”The Bard’s 100 Best Soccer Players: Series Preview“, I promised you that I – William J. Shakespeare (aka “The Bard”) – would offer up unto you 100 posts about the most gifted gents to ever play the greatest game on the globe: soccer. But, alas, the Final Act of the Bard’s blogging career is now upon us, and I must forge on to other literary endeavors without finishing my magnum opus. ‘Tis a shame, really, as I did write half the series. Yep, lurid limericks and all. 

Since I – the Bard – was using the traditional dramatic styling known as “the Countdown”, I wrote 50 posts about the Best Players of All-Time: #50-#100. Sadly, there is simply not enough time in the hourglass to create posts for #1-#49. But, I couldn’t have the mobs outside the Globe Theater thinking that I was simply abandoning the project because I hadn’t finished my rankings. So, I present unto you today my Top 100 as it would have been unveiled:

1. Pele
2. Beckenbauer
3. Ronaldo
4. Maradona
5. Platini
6. Van Basten
7. Muller
8. Cruyff
9. Zidane
10. Di Stefano
11. Eusebio
12. Romario
13. Puskas
14. Charlton
15. Maldini
16. Zico
17. Dalglish
18. Matthaus
19. R. Carlos
20. Batistuta
21. Hagi
22. Rivaldo
23. Bergkamp
24. Rummenigge
25. Klinsmann
26. Gullitt
27. Schmeichel
28. P. Rossi
29. Stoichkov
30. Lineker
31. Rijkaard
32. Beckham
33. Del Piero
34. Laudrup
35. Shevchenko
36. Baggio
37. Baresi
38. Keegan
39. Francescoli
40. Passarella
41. Giggs
42. Zoff
43. S. Maier
44. Owen
45. Valderrama
46. Suker
47. Davids
48. Facchetti
49. Bebeto
50. Robson
51. Neeskens
52. Kopa
53. Best
54. Yashin
55. Figo
56. Moore
57. Cafu
58. Matthews
59. Daei
60. Ronaldhino
61. Henry
62. Garrincha
63. Raul
64. Charles
65. Nedved
66. Jairzinho
67. Banks
68. Rush
69. Meazza
70. Cantona
71. Weah
72. Sukur
73. Kahn
74. Shearer
75. Thuram
76. Seedorf
77. Costacurta
78. Fontaine
79. Kluivert
80. Caniggia
81. Rivelino
82. Tostao
83. Socrates
84. Vieira
85. Albertini
86. Chilavert
87. Voller
88. Litmanen
89. F. de Boer
90. Gascoigne
91. Milla
92. D. Santos
93. Vieri
94. Messi
95. Sanchez
96. Buffon
97. Kaka
98. N. Santos
99. Barthez
100. C. Ronaldo

Now, my fellow noblemen and countrymen, lend me your ears for a couple seconds regarding my rankings. I beseech you to keep in mind that I made this list back in December 2009, so recent World Cup results play no role in the results (which was probably good for Cristiano there who may have fallen off the board). I don’t know if my list is good (it is a hard list to make), but I don’t think it is the worst such list I have seen. No, you should see Christopher Marlowe’s.

He has Didier Drogba at #67 because “he likes the alliteration in his name.”

He’s such a fairy.

Unlike I – the Bard – who am a talented and unique scribe. Yes, I am talented because my words play tricks with your ears, especially my limericks. Also, I am unique because I am (undoubtedly) the only person who has ever written a series of posts on – not the “Best Soccer Players of All-Time” – but the “Best Soccer Players of All-Time: #50-#100″. Because this series is the only such one that has ever existed, I must conclude it is also the best of its kind.

Alas, but it must also then be the worst such series too…

Ah, screw it. It is good that I am walking away from this series. Now I can really get down to business. Hey, I’m freaking Bill Shakespeare, so it’s not like I don’t have other offers, trust me. Now I can finally finish editing my screenplay of King Lear for Jerry Bruckheimer and Mike Bay, and perhaps I can even take in a modern play or two myself. I hear The Lion King has amazing costumes. So, perhaps it is best that I – the Bard – will not finish this series.   

After all, don’t they say “all’s well that ends well”?

No, wait, that was me…

photo credit: Lincolnian (Brian) – BUSY

photo credit: ROBBO WRH, PFB, WD…..Team Robbo

The Pick: I know what you are likely thinking. There were two excellent soccer stars who went by the name “B. Robson”, Bobby and Bryan. So, which B. Robson has the Bard selected to join his pantheon of the 100 Best Soccer Players ever? Drumroll! It’s Bryan, of course. Don’t get me wrong, I like Bobby, but Bryan is the all-time longest serving captain for Man U (+340 with the armband). He is also a legend for the English team (90 caps and 26 goals).

The Flick: Moreover, I am making a freakin’ movie here and Bobby’s life just is not as interesting as Bryan’s (aka “Robbo”). Both are employed as managers now, but Robbo gets to coach in Thailand. Fitting he would be near Bangkok because he is also reputed to be a tiger in the sack (or so it was alleged when the media revealed he had an affair) with an insatiable apetite for women. Hmm, one actor has recently been going through allegations of (yet another) affair.

Plus, he is known for his sexual apetite.

Get me Sheen.

No, not Charlie. I want Michael.

He looks just like him and he is a fine English actor.

Guess the stuff above doesn’t make sense then, does it?

Ah, it never does. And neither does what comes below…  

The Limerick: Robbo deserved a better ode than this. He was robbed. Here’s the rhyme:

Bryan Robson was a Red Devil whose enemies did wail

On & off the pitch they compared him to a clydesdale

There was nothing larval

About “Captain Marvel”

No, he was known as a fully developed adult male

photo credit: bixentro

The Pick: George Best is probably too high on my list. My rankings are flawed. I never should have given players bonus points if their son nailed Lindsay Lohan, but c’est la vie. George hit a lot hotter shit than LiLo though. In fact, he was known as the biggest playboy of his day. He also got a lot of action on the pitch, which is really why he is on this list. He notched more than 150 goals in over 300 pro games and 10 goals in approximately 40 games for his Nats.  

The Flick: As I mentioned above, Bestie was known as the “hottest” player of his generation. I mean that in the Tigerbeat way. He was also known as one legend who could have had an even more luminescent career if he could have just avoided the pitfalls of fame. He was also Irish. So, what actor is known for his (1) dreamy looks, (2) addiction problems, and (3) Irish rogue. Hmm? Well, thank my lucky charms! Colin Farrell is absolutely perfect for the part.

He was born to play it, actually.

The Limerick: And I was born to write this limerick for Best, we all have our callings:

There once was a player who never did rest

He was ”up” for hours, that gorgeous George Best

 But too much fun

Slowed his rapid run

If only he chased girls and goals with equal zest!

The Pick: Sir Bobby Moore fittingly joins the Bard’s Best 100 Soccer Players Ever today, and I have decided to dedicate this soliloquoy to him to mark the occasion. He certainly earned it during his +700 pro matches and +100 caps for England. He was Captain of the 1966 World Cup champion side. He not only did great things on the pitch, he also appeared in films on the silver screen like Victory. Well, maybe he really did do great things only on the pitch.

The Flick: That Stallone movie sucked. Sly could never play Sir Bobby Moore. No way. He couldn’t capture the West Ham United captain’s confidence and skill on a soccer pitch. No, we will need an actor more fit to play the part in my fictional bio-pic. So, who should we select. Well, Bobby was extremely handsome, and he played an important supporting role in some of the biggest wins in English history. So, what actor is good in looks and supporting roles?

How about Ryan Philippe?

photo credit: joncandy

photo credit: spjwebster

The Pick: Sir Stanley Matthews deserves a spot in the Bard’s Top 100 due to both his celebrated career and his clutch character. He enjoyed a long career spanning nearly four decades and over 700 games (almost exlcusively with Stoke City and Blackpool), but he will always be best remembered for just one of those games, the 1953 FA Cup Final, now known as ”The Matthews Final”. That moniker is impressive when you consider his mate had a hat trick in the game.  

The Flick: That’s right, Stanley Mortensen knocked home three goals for Blackpool that day, but they would have not hoisted the Cup had Matthews not put the previously mentioned goals on a platter for Mortensen with his amazing play. So, who should play Matthews in my mythical movie? Well, he was a vegetarian, and so is most of Hollywood, so that doesn’t help. And, get this, he never drank. Yep, dude was a teetotaler. Don’t think we can find any of those in LA.

Wait, I think Milo Ventimiglia fits the bill. 

The Limerick: He’s a vegan, he never drinks, and I think he’s played a hero before:

 Matthews was the only knight to ever take the pitch

He was an honorable man, never known to snitch

But he didn’t like beer

And he never ate deer  

It must have been ladies who scratched his “itch”

photo credit: themikelee

The Pick: A good many of you likely think I have Thierry Henry too high on this list (Arsenal, Barca and Bleus fans, for instance), and you could persuade me to put him lower by lecturing me about his +50 international goals, two Prem titles, La Liga title, Champions League title, World freaking Cup title, and his warehouses full of individual awards and accolades. But some of you also don’t think I shouldn’t “hand” him a spot in my Top 100 at all (Ireland fans). 

The Flick: When Henry literally “pushed” France into the World Cup, he seismically shifted many folks’ thoughts about his place in soccer history. He went from one of the great recent success stories to one of the most vilified men of our time. So, who should play him in my film? Well, what actor can pull off playing both a good guy and a villain better than anyone? I like Denzel circa “Glory” for the part. Who else do we root for even when he is the antagonist?  

The Limerick: If you wanted Cuba Gooding, Jr. instead, you are very sad (or Cuba Gooding, Jr.):

What do I know about Thierry, that legendary Gunner?

I know he was a phenom, the most relentess runner

He played in many lands

And he liked to use his hands

Especially with any lady who wasn’t a shunner

Perhaps Fernando Torres is leaving Liverpool?  Perhaps he’s moving somewhere else in the EPL?  Chelsea thinks it might be them.  They seem to be ready to make a bid for him and some current players are quite happy about the prospects.  Didier Drogba–their monster scorer says:

“I have heard the talk about Torres maybe coming in and I would welcome it, of course.  Every time there is a new player coming here it’s making the club bigger and giving us a lot of strength. If there is a chance for him to come he will be welcome because any help is welcome!”

Drogba is also smart enough to know where the club faltered–something that Jose Mourinho has pointed about Barca already this season:

“You know I think we want to win the Champions League so much that we sometimes forget to play and put ourselves under a lot of pressure.”

“If the Champions League wants to come to Chelsea, if one day we are going to win it then I think one day we’ll win it. But we have to take out all the pressure we put on ourselves because we have won everything in England and we want to win something in Europe. Next season is going to be an exciting one.”

The slightly more laid back attitude should help next season–Torres wouldn’t be too shabby either.

photo credit: kevmann16

photo credit: Mike__Lawrence

The Pick: The people of Wales idolize John Charles, and they should. He rose in esteem during his early career at Leeds United, but he blossomed into a soccer legend during his later years with Serie A giant Juventus. He averaged a goal every other game over his entire 600 match career. But he will also be most legendary in my eyes though because he was never cautioned or sent off during his entire 600 match career too. And I mean never. That’s discipline.

The Flick: Charles was versatile (a FW and a DF) and a very large player for his era too (6’2″), which makes his fair play feat even more unfathomable when you look at how often big guys in soccer get penalized simply for being big. Seriously, there have been studies done on the subject. But there have been no studies done on who should play Charles in my fictional bio-pic. So, I am just going to have to blindly throw a name out there. Let’s see, who is large?

Rosie O’Donnell?

No, not large like that. How about Josh Holloway?

The Limerick: He looks like him, and if it featured Rosie it could cause the apocolypse:

John Charles was a sports agent’s perfect client

He had size, skill, and his position was pliant

Gals didn’t call him Kong

Though he was quite long

No, ‘stead they called him “The Gentle Giant”

photo credit: melyviz

The Pick: Every soccer-loving Brit born in the last four decades has at one point pretended to be Gordon Banks between the posts. After all, only one or two other keepers ever could really compete with the classy Banks when it came to keeping their sheets clean. Moreover, he is also known for making perhaps the greatest save in the history of soccer against Pele. People remember that save, but they forget Banks and his English mates lost that game.  

The Flick: Banks didn’t lose too many games for England though. Rather, his +70 caps showed that a team’s emotional catalyst can be their keeper. Although best known for his 1966 World Cup heroics, Banks should also be remembered for his +500 pro games (mostly with Leicester City though he ended his career playing in America). So who should play him? Well, it’s tough, but I’m going with the man he taught to play keeper for Victory, Sly Stallone.

The Limerick: Oh wait, nevermind. Sly already proved he can’t act like a real GK. Or act at all:

The legend about the keeper known as Gordon Banks

Began in 1966 when all of England gave him thanks

But the legend did end

In Tampa my friend

Where Sir Gordon heard clanks and saw skanks.

Roberto Mancini runs a tight ship at Manchester City.  Good for him!  His star, Carlos Tevez, seems to not like the “tightness of the ship” so much.  He’s complained about it all year.  He doesn’t like Mancini’s methods and he doesn’t really like Mancini–from what I can tell.

So, what did Mancini do?  He told Tevez to kick rocks.  He said–you can leave if you want–we don’t need you.

“For Tevez, for all players, if he is not happy to stay here it’s better he goes to another team.  It’s better for Tevez, for (Emmanuel) Adebayor, for me, for all.”

“It’s important that when a manager and players work in a team that they must be happy. It’s not good for the club, for the squad, for the player, if he is not. Tevez has four years left on his contract. But I don’t know. If he’s not happy, it’s better to change squads.”

“I don’t know if Carlos Tevez is unhappy.  He must be content, though, because we have to play three important games. For the players it is a crucial moment. They must put everything they have on the pitch.”

I’m glad that Mancini is not concerned with the “feelings” of overpaid and overindulged superstar athletes who don’t want to work hard.  I’m sure that tons of teams would sign Tevez, and I’m also sure that Mancini can do a number of things with City without Tevez.  Do I know what those things are?  No, but I do know that anything is possible when the manager is vocal and isn’t messing around.

Good job Roberto–keep those boys in their place!

photo credit: gordonflood.com